


Fifteen Years on Paper

by Highlander_II



Series: Allison Cameron's Journal [1]
Category: House M.D.
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-09-16
Updated: 2008-09-16
Packaged: 2017-10-01 23:23:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/97
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Highlander_II/pseuds/Highlander_II
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's something in Cameron's past that shapes who she is.  She's kept a written record of her life and how it has affected her over time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1992 - 1993

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as part of the backstory for Allison Cameron as played at [Heroesque](http://community.livejournal.com/heroesque), an RPG on LJ, thus making it AU. However, where possible, canon has not been violated.
> 
> A bit of context: Cameron held a Thanksgiving party and House decided to sneak a peek at her journal in 2007.

**October 1992**   
_Didn't go to school today. Couldn't. The funeral was today. She's really gone now and it's all my fault. Those wishes aren't really supposed to come true. Why'd I wish that? I didn't mean it. I just want her to come back. She didn't have to go. I love her. She's my sister._

_Come back. I didn't mean it._

* * *

**November 1992**   
_I think I failed an algebra test today. M&amp;D will probably be angry, but I really just don't know what happened. Maybe just everything going on. Maybe I didn't study. Maybe I don't care._

_******_

_Thanksgiving. Usually it's a lot of fun, but this year everyone keeps asking about my sister. Thanks, but what about me? I'm still here. Doesn't anyone care about me? That it's all my fault? That I'm a horrible person and should be punished? Maybe that's what this is. I'm being punished by being ignored when I need someone to talk to._

_******_

_Guess I'll just have to talk to you. I know you're not here anymore, but no one else will talk to me. I miss you, sis. Wish you were here.  
_

* * *

**December 1992**   
_It's Christmas, but you couldn't tell by looking at our house. We're supposed to be happy right? Celebrating the joy of Christmas. Sure. Mom and Dad won't hardly talk to me - not that I want them to - and the tree isn't even up. I was going to put it up myself, but I can't get the box out of the attic._

_I don't think I want Christmas this year. I know I won't get what I want... my sister back.  
_

* * *

**January 1993**   
_Not a happy New Year at all. M&amp;D spent all day staring at photos of you and crying. _

_That doesn't bother me, what bothers me is them shutting me out. I sat in the living room, on the floor, with a book for more than an hour and they never acknowledged I was even there._

_I'm so lonely.  
_

* * *

**February 1993**   
_There's a dance at school that I want to go to, but I don't know if M&amp;D will let me. I could ask, but with as much attention as they actually pay me lately, they wouldn't even notice that I've asked._

_******_

_So, I asked. Guess what? I can't go. Should have known. When they *do* pay attention, they do what they can to make sure I can't do anything._

_I really want to go. Tommy Grayson - who's grown up a little since fiifth grade - wanted to dance with me. No one's ever wanted to dance with me before. Fortunately, I didn't get his hopes up. I told him that my parents probably wouldn't let me go, but I'd ask. This sucks._

_******_

_Tommy sat with me at lunch today and asked about the dance. I told him the truth - that my parents are super strict and hardly let me out of their sight. He seemed okay with that and asked if he could sit with me tomorrow.  
_

* * *

**March 1993**   
_Well, that lasted a long time. Tommy doesn't sit with me anymore. He's sitting with Becky, who just moved here from Vermont._

_******_

_Things just get better and better. Now we're moving. Not sure when yet, but it'll be far away from you. Anywhere is 'far' away to me since we won't be able to visit. That's gonna suck. I don't want to move.  
_

* * *

**April 1993**   
_Not moving until school gets out. Well, at least that tells me M&amp;D still know I exist. For a while there, I wasn't sure._

_******_

_Worst. Birthday. Ever._

_It couldn't have been worse if everyone had forgotten. I didn't want to go to school, much less have a party. I didn't want anything special for dinner, no cake, no presents, nothing. So what do my parents do? They have a party for me. A PARTY._

_Why did they do that? Were they trying to depress me? I tried to be happy and have fun, I did, but I couldn't do it. I almost started crying when they brought out the cake. Literally crying. And I had to have my friends blow out the candles._

_M&amp;D just don't get it. If they'd just talk to me. Why won't they talk to me?_

_******_

_Oh, right. Presents. I got a couple shirts - they're cute, but I'm not really interested in gifts just now. But, something interesting, someone got me a 'Doctor Barbie'. No idea why. I don't play with Barbie anymore and I've never mentioned wanting to be a doctor. Who got me that? I don't remember writing a 'Thank you' note for a Barbie. Was there a tag on the box? I don't remember who gave me the doll. Weird.  
_

* * *

**May 1993**   
_Is school out yet? I'm ready for summer and no homework.  
_

* * *

**June 1993**   
_Now I'm convinced it was my fault. Mom and Dad won't let me visit her, they won't let me have a dog, they won't even let me pierce my ears. I don't get it. Why won't they let me do anything? I want to do the things the other kids do. Are they afraid I'll die too?_

_******_

_Damn. You know the summer beach trips we always take? That's turned into the 'we're moving, so no beach' trip instead. I don't want to move. Chicago seems so far away. I don't have a lot of friends, but I don't want to leave the ones I do have.  
_

* * *

**late-July 1993**   
_I know it's been a few weeks, but we've been unpacking stuff and setting up the new house. My room is really small and I have to keep some of your stuff in my closet. I don't mind, really, but there isn't a lot of room for everything else._

_I love you. I miss you. It's time for dinner.  
_

* * *

**August 1993**   
_I. AM. SO. BORED. There are no kids in the neighborhood, so I have no one to play with or even talk to. And Ms. Barkowitz down the road is just creepy._

_Do you know how uneventful it is to play a board game with yourself? Pathetic really. And I'm not playing with Ms. Barkowitz... no way._

_******_

_Still bored. Two weeks later and I'm still bored. There is NOTHING to do here. I want to go back to Kansas City._

_******_

_School starts today.  
_

* * *

  
**September 1993**   
_What I want to be when I grow up... _

_That's our assignment for today._

_I still want to be a veterinarian. Or maybe a doctor so other families don't have to be torn apart like mine was...  
_

* * *

**October 1993**   
_One year. One year and we've moved so I can't even visit you. Stupid parents.  
_


	2. 1994 - 1995

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of the journal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of the Heroesque, AU storyline.

**January 1994**  
_To M&amp;D: What do you want from me? I know it was my fault! I wished her gone. You don't have to remind me! Just leave me alone!  
_

* * *

**February 1994**   
_I wish I could go back and change things. I want to make things right. Know anyone with a time machine?  
_

* * *

**April 1994**   
_At least M&amp;D didn't have a party for me this year. Hell, they didn't even get me a cake. (Though this I almost prefer - no cake means no wishes.)_

_I'm going to stop writing in here for a while. I'll pick up again after school's done. M&amp;D are pissed because I'm failing math this term and told me if I don't do better, we're not going to the beach.  
_

* * *

**June 1994**   
_M&amp;D are liars! I cleaned up my grades - passed everything - and now we're not going to go to the beach. I wanted to lay in the sun and play in the water and dig in the sand. This is going to be a long summer.  
_

* * *

**July 1994**   
_Instead of the beach, they've sent me to summer camp. Camp? Really, I'm not ten._

_******_

_I hate this camp. We get up far too early, do stupid activities, eat really bad food, then either sit around a gi-normous fire that threatens to take over the camp or go to bed because it's raining. I want to go home._

_Now._

_******_

_On the way home, we stopped for food at some crappy little roadside place. The place was a dive, but they had the best ribs I've ever tried. Hot hot bbq sauce that no napkin could control. It was the best meal I've had in the last three weeks. Probably helps that I didn't have to hold it over a fire myself or eat it out of a tin can.  
_

* * *

**September 1994**   
_Back to school - which still begins way too early, but at least it means I don't have to be locked up at home. Did you know I read forty books this summer? Even with the three-week camping trip of doom? At least I'm ahead in my English class - I read half the stuff on the syllabus this summer. Maybe I won't fail.  
_

* * *

**October 1994**   
_We're not coming to visit you this year either. M&amp;D said something about not having money or something. Whatever. I'll come see you when I can.  
_

* * *

**December 1994**   
_I give up on having a good Christmas, because, apparently, it just won't happen._

_I hope things are far better for you than they are here. I'd hate to think you're suffering and I can't do anything about it.  
_

* * *

**February 1995**   
_At least M&amp;D are letting me drive some. I'm supposed to take my driver's license test in April and I need to practice. Sure they still have to ride with me, but I get to drive.  
_

* * *

**April 1995**   
_I PASSED! I have a shiny new driver's license and I get to take the car to the store this weekend. Alone._

_******_

_I made it to the store and back without any problems._

_Next step - my own car.  
_

* * *

**June 1995**   
_Finally! We're going to the beach. School's out for summer, I passed everything and got my driver's license. Maybe that's why - so I can drive part of the way. Whatever. I don't care. We're going._

_I'll build you a sand castle. The sandcastle I didn't build you that summer.  
_

* * *

**October 1995**   
_You have to come back. You're supposed to be here so I can drive you around in Mom's car. Take you to the park and pick you up after school. You should be here so I have someone to make fun of and teach how to put on make-up and yell at because you broke my favorite bracelet and buy presents for and all the other stupid sister things. I'm sorry I wished you gone. I didn't mean it. Please - come back. I hate that you're gone. I hate that it's my fault. I hate that I have to hate myself so much. And I hate that Mom and Dad ignore me now. They don't pay any attention to me at all. It's like I don't exist anymore. I don't matter. Guess that seals it though - I'm going away to college.  
_


	3. 1996 - 1997

**August 1996**   
_Oops. Two weeks before Senior year and I get in trouble. Maybe I shouldn't have been out so late with my friends. Maybe we shouldn't have been enjoying the end of summer with beer, but we're kids. We do stupid kid things._

_I think the only reason the police went easy on me is because I was babbling about my dead sister. They thought I was more distraught over that than I was drunk. Fooled them._

_Still got in trouble from M&amp;D. Nothing really on my record, but they were pissed I was drinking. The speeding ticket probably didn't help much. They're making me pay that on my own._

_I'm just glad they don't know I got busted for shoplifting last month. Stupid friends making so much noise. I would've made it if not for them._

_******_

_Okay, shoplifting is wrong, but it was for an initiation. **And** I got into the club. Of course, they kicked me out when I 'ratted' on them for planning some 'real' criminal activities. Hey - they were going to torture some poor kid's cat - for fun. I think the police were more concerned than their parents. No wonder those kids are screwed up.  
_

* * *

**September 1996**   


> _I miss my sister. I miss her so much and no one cares. Most people never ask. Most people, I'm not comfortable talking about her with._

_I wrote that as part of a college application essay and probably sounded absolutely pathetic. Guess we'll see when the letters start coming back._

_Here's the essay – or, most of it:_

[computer printed page taped and folded into journal]

> _I miss my sister. She left us when she was five years old. The doctors told us it was a 'mysterious illness' and never could determine a treatment to save her or even help her. Everything they tried failed. They told us to 'wait and see'. In fact, they told us that a lot._
> 
> _We spent four months, dragging her to doctors and hospitals and specialists, putting her through test after test so we could 'wait and see' that they had no idea what was going on with her. They had no idea what was wrong. Every doctor had a different idea about why she was in pain, why she was sleeping too much or not enough. She never got to play with friends or be a kid. She never even got to go to school. She hardly had a chance to live, but she never let that get in the way of her being a happy little girl._
> 
> _I loved my sister – I still do – and I miss her. No one should die that young. And no family should be torn apart like that. It's painful. No matter how happy she was for those five years, it's painful on everyone that she's gone._
> 
> _It changed me – her death. At first, I thought it only made me sad, but later I realized it was more than that. I was sad, but I was also withdrawn – from everything. I had stopped watching my favorite TV shows, playing my favorite games, eating my favorite foods. None of which was good for me._
> 
> _Recently, I've begun turning that around, trying to help myself since no one else seems interested in helping me. After we moved to Chicago three-and-a-half years ago, I started trying to make myself happy and live like every day matters. Not just for me, but also for my sister and all the others who passed before they had a chance to live. I try to make one person, other than myself, happy every day._
> 
> _I'm not happy that I lost my sister, but I am trying to keep it from tearing me apart. I am trying to live life to the fullest – even if that means taking chances and doing things that scare me…_

[end of page]

_…like writing this essay. I can't believe I sent that with my college applications. _

_Am I crazy? Where did that come from? My grades will get me in the door and my essay will kill my chances of actually being accepted, because it's crap. No, actually crap – I don't make people happy. Not even myself._

* * *

**December 1996**   
_M&amp;D are out of town for the weekend, so David is coming over to watch cheesy movies and make out._

_******_

_Oh wow. You can't tell M&amp;D, but David and I had sex. On the couch. It was awkward at first, but it felt really, really good. Okay, and if you were really here, I wouldn't be telling you, because you'd be only nine, but I needed to tell someone, and I don't have anyone else I can talk to.  
_

* * *

** January 1997**   
_David won't talk to me anymore. Did I do something wrong? I only called him like ten times after the "weekend". And that was over the whole rest of winter break. It's not like I was obsessive or anything._

_Now he's hanging out with that slut Kristy. Fine. The tramp. She can have him. He's not that good-looking anyway.  
_

* * *

**April 1997**   
_Wow, I got into ALL of the schools I applied to. Including the one I don't want to go to, because M&amp;D are moving to Durham this summer. No wonder they wanted me to apply to NC State. Here I was thinking they actually were taking an interest in me, but they want me to go to school close to home._

_I'm doing a semester there this summer, so we'll see._

* * *

**June 1997**   
_I graduated high school today, but it didn't feel right without you there. I was getting ready for it this week and thought 'I'll never see her graduate' and all I could do was cry. You didn't really have to go, you know. You spited me on so much else, why not on this?_

* * *

**August 1997**   
_Left NC State for Missouri. I'm back in Kansas City and couldn't be happier. I get to visit you and bring you flowers and I've made a decision – I'm going to be happy. Not only that, but I'm going to try to make one person happy every day. I figure, I said I was doing it, I should actually put it into practice. _

_I can't believe how much your death affected me and how much I didn't notice. But I'm doing better now and I'm really going to try this._

* * *

**October 1997**   
_It's Halloween and I'm having fun. I've been handing out treats to people all day long and they are loving it!_

_I've brought you a treat too. I found a store that carries those 'peeps' you like so much. The real 'peeps', not those half-assed ones that some people try to pass off as 'peeps'. They're the yellow ones._

_I brought you some flowers too. I'm sorry I didn't get here last week, but mid-terms were crazy. I'm so glad I moved back here. I've missed this place. I want to stay here, but we'll have to see how things go.  
_

* * *

**November 1997**   
_You know, I just remembered that I never did tell you why I left NC State. I liked the school well enough and NC wasn't bad and I had this really great boyfriend from Duke, but then some random girl I knew in elementary school and whatever just started talking to me. Totally out of the blue. That was actually okay. I didn't mind that. What I *did* mind, was her asking me about you. She wouldn't stop. She kept drilling me and asking about you and if I was okay and if I needed anything and how were my parents and I stopped her in the middle of the Quad one day and screamed at her to LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! She was making me crazy. And she STILL didn't leave me alone. I don't know what her deal was and why she was so interested, but dammit, I couldn't take it. Not and deal with M&amp;D too. So, I left. I know, it's the mature thing to do - run away - but, honestly, I'm a lot happier and less stressed now than when I was at NC State. I like this better.  
_


	4. 1998 - 1999

**February 1998**   
_Guess what? No, this is good. Guess!_

_You'll never guess._

_I have a date for Valentine's Day. For the first time in years. I met him this semester in one of my classes and he's nice and really sexy and he's taking me to dinner and then to this party. I'm really excited._

_******_

_Remind me to never do that again. Here I was thinking I'd met a nice guy to date, when, in reality, I've met a jerk who's only interested in getting into my pants. Not that I mind relationships entirely based on sex, but I'd like to know that up front if it is._

_I'd swear off men, but I like sex. So, maybe I'll swear off relationships instead for a while.  
_

* * *

**April 1998**   
_Happy Birthday to me. Only, I'm not very happy. What do I have to be happy about? I'm alone on my birthday, my sister is dead and I have four exams next week.  
_

* * *

**October 1998**   
_Today is an anniversary. Six years ago you went away. Today I'm sitting here, by your grave, writing to you. I've brought you flowers - mums. They're white and they probably won't last long, but they're pretty and they smell lovely._

_I miss you. I'll try to stop by around Christmas. M&amp;D want me to come 'home' for Christmas, but I'm not sure I'm going. We'll see.  
_

* * *

**December 1998**   
_I should never have come home. M&amp;D are driving me crazy. They want me to transfer back to NC State and study veterinary medicine. _

_They're also angry that I've filed a suit against the hospital in KC, but I figured out what was wrong with you and that if the doctors had performed a few simple tests, they would've known too. M&amp;D said they want no part of it and that I shouldn't either._

_I don't. Anything I get out of this goes into a research grant.  
_

* * *

**January 1999**   
_Happy New Year, sis. I survived Christmas with M&amp;D and the other relatives invited in for the holidays. Your name never came up. That's not unusual, but it is disconcerting. I wish they didn't forget you all the time._

_M&amp;D don't even have photos of you up anymore. That, I'm not sure I entirely understand. Do they not want to be reminded? Do they not want other people to know they had two daughters?_

_Maybe **that's** why they move so often - people start finding out about you._

_Our parents are really fucked up.  
_


	5. 2000 - 2001

**April 2000**   
_I. AM. SO. WASTED. Friends took me out for my birthday and kept buying me drinks and oh man, am I wasted. I'm going to have to not do this again because it's not… oh – gonna be sick…_

_******_

_That was gross. And now my head hurts. Hangovers suck.  
_

* * *

**May 2000**   
_College graduation - sort of. Senior year of undergrad and first year of Med school all rolled into one. Accelerated program - and guess what - it's *still* not good enough for Mom and Dad._

_They were annoyed that I changed majors. But after what I found - how could I not? Not that they wanted to hear anything about it. I don't understand, I found out why you died. I finally found the answer, and they don't care._

_I care. I've even gotten the settlement from the hospital - since Mom and Dad said they didn't want it. The money's going to the research facility that specializes in auto-immunes. They're going to figure this out. Make sure other families don't have to go through this._

_I still feel guilty about it, but I know it wasn't my fault. If those doctors had performed a simple test..._

_Never again._

_I miss you so much. It's not fair that you're gone.  
_

* * *

**July 2000**   
_Met someone. He's wonderful. He's sweet and warm and caring._

_He's also dying. We're getting married next month. He needs someone to take care of him. I'm going to do that. Maybe it'll help._

* * *

**February 2001**   
_He died today. My husband. Joe - his best friend - was there. I don't know how we're going to get through this. We knew he was dying, but it's still hard. _

_Oh, and it didn't help at all. I still miss you terribly, but now I miss him too. I think I made things worse._

_Joe's helping some though. And I have school to finish. I think I'll be okay.  
_


	6. 2002 - 2003

**October 2002**   
_Mom and Dad wouldn't come. They didn't want to visit you. I don't understand why. It's been ten years. I can't remember the last time they were here. I hope they miss you at least as much as I do. I wish I could visit more often, but I love my school and it keeps me so busy. And I'm almost finished. I'm working the accelerated program because I want to finish in time to get through everything in time to apply and interview for an amazing fellowship._

_I'm really excited about this fellowship position. The only thing I'm bummed about is that I have to wait so long before I can even consider applying. It's a great opportunity and I can't wait to apply. You'd be so proud of me. I wish you were here to share it with me.  
_

* * *

**May 2003**   
_Done. With. Med. School. STOP  
Going to take summer off. STOP  
Start internship in August. FULLSTOP  
_

* * *

**June 2003**   
_You'd be sixteen today if you were still here. You'd be getting ready to drive and looking for your first car, driving Mom and Dad crazy, and wanting to go to prom._

_Oh - they moved again, Mom and Dad. Arizona now. They make me nuts. They move farther and farther away from you all the time. I don't understand. When we moved the first time, I thought it would help me get over you. It didn't. _

_The only thing that helps is writing to you here. I don't know if you can see any of this, but it does help me to write it down._

_Gotta go. I hope things are good where you are. Miss you.  
_

* * *

**August 2003**   
_Internship at the Mayo Clinic. This will be good for that position I want. Any one that I want, really._

* * *

 

**late-April 2004**   
_I got it! That fellowship I've been wanting - I got it! Dr. House is brilliant! I start next week! I don't think I'll sleep much between now and then. I'm so excited! I can't wait. I think I'm going out for ice cream._

* * *

**May 2004**   
_Today is the first day of my new job with Dr. House and he's late, so I have some 'down' time before - whatever. I'm not exactly sure what to expect, but Dr. Chase has informed me that it's typical for Dr. House to be late and that even when he arrives, there still may not be anything for us to immediately work on. I hope that's not true of today. I took this job to learn._

_I also want my boss not to read over my shoulder when I'm writing - especially when I don't know he's there._

_*****_

_No case today, but Dr. House had me running some tests in the lab. He watched me the whole time. It was kind of weird. He kept asking me questions - about my family and my husband - how did he know about that anyway? I've never mentioned that._

_He knows a lot more than he lets on. I wonder if he knows about you? I've not mentioned you - not to him, not to anyone. Not for years. I am sorry, but I can't talk to people about you, about what happened. I just can't. I love you, but I can't talk about you._

* * *

**June 2004**   
_House throws all requests for consults in the trash. For a doctor, he doesn't like spending much time with patients. I've started getting the requests out of the trash and apologizing to people that he's too busy. He's not, but they should be told something.  
_

* * *

**September 2004**   
_Dr. House is my new project. I'm going to make him happy. I will find a way. There has to be something he likes. Something he enjoys. And I'm going to find it. _

_Should I ask Dr. Wilson? Would he know something? Anything? House can't be miserable all the time, right?  
_

* * *

**November 2004**   
_Because I'm 'extremely pretty'? That's why he hired me? That makes no sense. I should be offended by this, right? That my hard work in school didn't earn me a job, but my physical genetics did? Should I quit? My boss thinks I'm hot, yet I can't get him to say 'boo' to me. He makes no sense.  
_

* * *

**December 2004**   
_I gave Dr. House a Christmas present today. He didn't seem overly excited about it, but the giving was the important part. It's nothing special, just a silk tie, but I hope he likes it._

_Oh, who am I kidding? He probably won't even open it. It'll live in a drawer in his desk or in his car or the back of some closet. I should have gotten him something he might actually use, but I saw the tie and it reminded me of him._

_I saw the cutest shirt that reminded me of you too. I almost bought it, not for me, for you, but Dr. Foreman saw me and started asking questions. After that, I couldn't get it. He'd be expecting me to wear it. I wanted it for you. You would've really liked it._

_I hate this. I hate that you're not here. I hate that so many things remind me of you. I hate that I can't tell anyone about you.  
_


	7. 2005 - 2006

**April 2005**   
_I quit today so House wouldn't have to fire anyone. Vogler's going to ruin the hospital. _

_I stopped by House's apartment to tell him I was quitting. He was playing his piano. I think it sounded good, but it was hard to hear through the door. Anyway, the bastard couldn't even look me in the eye before I left. What's he afraid of?  
_

* * *

**May 2005**   
_He stopped by my place today - I didn't even know he knew where I lived. He wants me to come back to work just because Vogler's gone, so the reason I quit no longer exists. Can't do that. It's not that easy. And it's not just about the job._

_******_

_He came by again, told me he had been conducting interviews for my position. He said he doesn't want to hire someone else. How do I believe him? By seeing if he goes through with this date. Yes - I told him that to get me to come back, he had to take me out on a date._

_I don't think he gets it - I like him - a lot. You should see his eyes - they're gorgeous!  
_

* * *

**May 2005**   
_Oh. My. God. Could that have been *more* of a disaster? It started off nice - he picked me up, gave me a corsage, was polite, he even complimented my shoes (wonder who gave him that idea?). Really, it was nice, but not what I wanted. I want him to be **him**_

_Anyway, when he finally returned to being his normal self, he was... well, his normal self. Abrasive and rude. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. Guess I'm not as used to it as I thought. _

_He's not the friendliest of men by any stretch, but I didn't figure he'd set out to deliberately hurt me._

_He didn't even wear the tie I gave him for Christmas. Told you he'd never open it._

_******_

_What did he tell me? He told me that I 'live under the delusion that I can fix everything'._

_I don't. I don't think I can fix everything, but I'd rather believe it's possible to fix everything than to assume that it's not worth my time to try at all.  
_

* * *

**May 2005**   
_Dr. Cuddy made House give a lecture to a diagnostics class today and he used himself as one of the diagnostic examples. Here's the basics of the story:_

_* 3-day blockage of blood due to an infarction in his right thigh  
* had bypass surgery to restore blood flow  
* asked to be put into a chemically induced coma to sleep through the pain  
* while he was out, his medical proxy signed off on a debridement procedure to remove the necrotic muscle tissue_

_It was interesting to watch the class argue about the morality of the proxy's decision afterward. Well, until House grumped about when the class was supposed to end._

_The class got a very good introduction to a different style of diagnostics. I wonder if any of them will try to work for House._

******

_Wow. Stacy - House's former live-in girlfriend - is really pretty. Beautiful even. She's a lawyer and married to our current patient - Mark. I'm pretty sure House only took the case because of Stacy. That's not a bad reason, nor is it all that unusual for House, but it does seem strange that he would take a case from his ex._

_Unless he's still hung up on her. And from the way he keeps messing with her and her husband, I'd guess that's a good possibility. She's strong-willed and aggressive and she seems to know how to handle him. Jealous of that last bit, at least._

_I should talk to her - get some tips or something, right?_

_Do you think I should? I don't know what to do. I like him, but I don't know how he feels about me - really feels - other than what he told me on our date._

_I'll come up with something.  
_

* * *

**November 2005**   
_House's parents were in town today. They seemed nice. His mother is very sweet - asked me to join them for a sandwich in the cafeteria. I declined. That look on House's face? I couldn't do that to him. He looked uncomfortable as it was, adding a pretty girl to the table would only make it worse. I can see it now - his dad asking when the wedding would be or waiting until I left to ask crude questions about a potential sex life. That's just weird. _

_Later, he thanked me. He thanked me for not joining them. He's never thanked me for anything. Maybe the ole Grinch does have a tiny heart in there somewhere._

_Though, based on what he *did* tell me about his family, I don't think he likes his father much. It's just a feeling I get. And that's really too bad, because family's important. Sure, I don't get along so well with my parents all the time, but I still love them._

_But, just between you and me, I think there's something else in there that he isn't telling me. I won't push him, of course, but it'd be nice if he'd talk about it - whatever it is._

_*****_

_Shit. AIDS patient coughed blood in my face the other day and now I have to take all these meds and - I can't do this._

_******_

_I. Slept. With. Chase. Crap._

_******_

_Okay, I'm not HIV positive - which is very good news, despite the delivery of said news from my asshole of a boss.  
_

* * *

**December 2005**   
_My boss is crazy. We went to a patient's home - it's this thing he does - ON HIS MOTORCYCLE! It just snowed - 'Yesterday,' he said, claiming the streets were clear... but he only had one helmet... and... WOW! It was **amazing**! I know, I should be furious, but he drives that thing like he was born to it. And he's so relaxed - well, I guess, as relaxed as one can be while driving a motorcycle. The subtle shift of his muscles on the turns, the way he leans into the sharper curves, it's wonderful. And so much fun! I won't tell him that, of course, because he'll never take me again.  
_

* * *

**February 2006**   
_It's official: my boss is an idiot. He slept with Stacy. She's married and he slept with her. Okay, yes, it's her fault too, being the married party and committing adultery. They have history, I get that, but... you know what, forget it. He's either completely hung up on her or he's fucking with Mark and trying to split them up._

_He's still an idiot, even if he did look happier after being with her.  
_

* * *

**May 2006**   
_Holy crap! Some guy walked into the office and shot House. Twice. Once in the neck and once in the stomach. What the hell was that about? Sure, he's pissed people off before - he tends to do that a lot - but to have someone shoot him? And how'd the guy get into the building with a weapon anyway?_

_All those questions, none of us had time to worry about while we were busy focusing on House - stopping the flow of blood from open wounds and getting him to an O.R. It's not usually the case that the emergency happens on the fourth floor of the hospital._

_******_

_House is going to be okay. He's in recovery now. I'm going to go sit with him for a while later tonight. I'd like to be there when he wakes up - even if he won't particularly care. He shouldn't wake up alone.  
_

* * *

**July 2006**   
_I just got word that Mom and Dad moved to Alabama. What the hell is in Alabama? They make less and less sense.  
_

* * *

**August 2006**   
_House came back to work today. Apparently he ran here - according to Wilson. Ran. Eight - nine miles from his apartment. Is he insane?_

_I vote yes. Considering he asked me out. He did. He asked me if I wanted to get a drink, then dinner. Why I didn't say 'yes', I have no idea, aside from being so stunned I couldn't respond._

_I told him 'no'. He told me I was full of crap, that I didn't want him because he was healthy._

_He's a moron. First, no way is he healthy. Second, no way do I not want him. I want him as much now as I did before, maybe more. He looked nice in that tan suit - despite the lack of a tie. And that 'kid in a candy store' look he had when he took off running._

_It's nice to see him smile and laugh. He should be happy sometimes.  
_


	8. 2007

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter of the Fifteen Years on Paper. This one does reach into Explicit territory.

**March 2007**   
_I kissed House. Okay, so it was a means to an end, but - he kissed back. And *way* better than Tommy Grayson in the fifth grade - which you wouldn't know about, because you were way too young. Just take my word for it._

_Though, turns out, my boss only faked cancer (the reason I was kissing him - the cancer, not the faking) to get high. My boss is an idiot..._

_But a really great kisser. If only I could... nevermind.  
_

* * *

**July 2007**   
_Am I supposed to be able to make people do what I want them to do just by thinking about it? I don't remember being able to do that before. It's... freaky._

_I mean - I even almost got my boss to kiss me. **That** takes serious powers of something. So it must be real. But why? Why now? Why me? What the hell is this?  
_

* * *

**August 2007**   
_Vicodin is a lovely drug... for getting rid of a headache and kissing one's boss. Yeah, bit of a loss of inhibition there, but it was his fault. He's the one insisting that I use this crazy power thing I've acquired. I told you about that right?_

_Yeah, back in July when it first showed up. Right._

_Okay, back to House. Why he wants me to use this power all the time, I have no idea. But, if it means he'll kiss me more, maybe I'll... no. I can't. Just no.  
_

* * *

**August 2007**   
_I did mention before that my boss is an idiot, right?_

_Why won't he let me in? Doesn't he want to be happy at all? I could help him. At least, I could try. But he won't let me. He won't let anyone._

_I should just tell him to fuck off, but I can't. I just... can't.  
_

* * *

**September 2007**   
_This couldn't possibly get any worse. I read my boss' email - because he won't - and guess who's in town? No, not his parents. Stacy. What does this mean? This means that all of my chances are completely shot to hell. No matter what else is going on, he'll drool over Stacy and ignore everything else._

_******_

_Oh damn - was I ever drunk when I wrote that. That was a little pathetic. In fact, so are all these entries about him. I need to stop that._

_I haven't said it lately, but I do still miss you - a lot. So much.  
_

* * *

**September 2007**   
_I told him. I told him that my sister and I used to play. I told him that my sister died. I never should have told him anything. Now it's the only thing he wants to talk to me about. I don't know why this interests him so much. Now I want him to leave me alone._

* * *

**October 2007**   
_Fifteen years. Fifteen years and I still feel like it's my fault, even though I'm medically certain it wasn't. Am I still supposed to feel this way? I wish you were here. I still miss you so much._

_I couldn't get away to visit you this year. I'm sorry. My boss is an ass. I'll try to get there after Thanksgiving._

* * *

**November 2007**   
_He was here. Soaking wet. Poking me again. Asking about you. If only he knew. I want to tell him - talk about all of this, but I'm not sure I trust him enough with my feelings. I'd like to be able to tell him, just spill everything. I don't care that he'd tell people about you. I care that he would use what I tell him to hurt **me**. I don't want that. I want him to listen and understand. But that's not who he is. He's not like that. He doesn't do 'feelings'._

_It's so frustrating. If he would just be a human being for two minutes. That's the biggest road block on all of this. I need someone to talk to and I trust him with the information, but not with my feelings. I think if I could talk about it, I'd be okay, but I haven't found anyone I'm comfortable talking about it with._

_Dammit._

* * *

**November 2007**   
_My boss is an ass._

_I do nothing more than invite everyone to Thanksgiving and he can't even accept that without being a dick. If that's the way he wants to be, he can stay the hell home. I want everyone there. Everyone should have a place to go for the holidays, but if he can't be, at least, cordial, screw him. I don't have time to put up with his crap AND make dinner too. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be yelling at you, this isn't your fault. I'm just frustrated. _

_I want my Thanksgiving dinner to go well. That's all._

_******_

_Thanksgiving went very well. House was even behaved. I was impressed._

_******_

_I made House an offer. Well, guess I offered him a deal - be nice to one person (genuinely nice) every day from now until Christmas and I'll give him back his leather jacket. Sounds simple, right? No chance. He upped the ante and wants to know something about me that no one else knows. What the hell could I tell him?_

_He already knows about my husband and you. There's not really much else to tell._

_I know what he **wants** me to tell him. He wants more info about you and what happened. I don't know if I can do that._

_But, if he gets through this challenge, I guess he'll have earned it._

_Why is there a part of me that wants him to fail at this?_

_I shouldn't want that. I shouldn't want him to fail at something like this. And especially not just because keeping my part of the deal is so uncomfortable if he succeeds._

_******_

_He'll do it. He'll get through every single day. Succeed through the entire challenge just to get what he wants._

_Should this make me angry? Okay, maybe I'm not angry, really. It's exactly something he would do._

_I'm just not sure I'll be able to keep my end. Oh, sure, he can have his jacket back. I'm just not sure about the other part._

_Why does he want to know? What business is it of his? You're my sister and you're gone. There's nothing more he needs to know._

_For all the sharing he does - he doesn't deserve to get more information. This is personal and none of his damned business._

_I'm not telling him jack.  
_

* * *

**December 2007**

_House had asked me about my fantasies once - I evaded the question, so I'll answer it here._

_He comes in, limping with his cane, but menacing all the same. He finds me in my room, brushing my hair in front of the mirror. A meaty hand snatches my hair, fingers getting tangled in the long brown strands. My neck wrenches at the sharp tug against my scalp when he uses my hair to turn me around and draw me in for a kiss. I like it - the kiss **and** him pulling my hair._

_Next he forces me to my knees so I'm eye to eye with his crotch. He tells me to take him out, but not to do anything else._

_I do as I'm told - I undo his fly and reach inside to draw his cock out of its fabric confines. I always imagine him as average length, but thicker than normal. And I want to taste him, but he's told me I can't yet._

_Then I find out why. He binds my hands at my back with a length of rope. On my knees again, he grabs my hair and forces his cock into my mouth – which doesn't require much force, since I'm wanting to do it._

_Now, the task is to get him off using only my mouth. Eagerly, I suck and lick and bob my head. He groans and moans his pleasure until he comes in my throat. And, even then, he still doesn't let me go, instead he fucks my face until he's satisfied and pulls away._

_He instructs me to clean him - slowly. I do. It's difficult without my hands or his in my hair, but I clean him thoroughly. If I use my teeth, he'll whip me later - teeth are a 'no no', but spanking is hot._

_Once he's clean, he leaves my wrists bound, but bends me face-forward over the bed to fuck me from behind until I come so hard I scream. Afterward he tells me to stay there, face-down on the bed, until he's gone. The last thing he does before he goes is to untie the ropes on my arms._

_I wait, face-down on the bed with the feel of him between my legs lingering, until I hear the front door close, then I wriggle my wrists free and get up, moving on shaky legs around the bed where I curl up with the memory of him and go to sleep._

_******_

_I have another fantasy too. In this one, I have him pinned down on my bed, slightly struggling beneath me as I ride him hard and fast. I don't tie him up, unless he gets a little too grabby. My hands press against his biceps, fingers curling around the taut muscle._

_He's warm and solid beneath me and I love the way he strains to get more contact when I tease him._

_Then, when I let him come, the sounds he makes with the powerful release are nothing short of absolutely amazing. And when he thinks I'm done, I ride him again and again until **I** come. If he can't make me come that way, I sit on his face and he has to do it with his mouth._

_When I've come, I lay down beside him, exhausted, spent and fall asleep._

_******_

_My third fantasy involves him being incredibly romantic. He picks me up and we drive out to a little cabin where he starts a fire in the fireplace as a show of his masculinity (which I actually find sexy). With the fire going, it's warm and cozy, moreso with the pile of blankets and pillows on the floor in front of the fireplace._

_He leads me to sit in the pile of blankets, then he sits with me, kissing me, holding me, touching me. And all of that is gentle and soft and with our clothes still in place. After several minutes of him spending time kissing me and tending to me, he starts to remove my clothes. The kicker is that he won't let me touch his. He tells me this is about me._

_His fingers sift softly through my hair, down my throat, along my shoulders, then down to softly caress my breasts. He spends time touching every inch of skin on my body with either his hands, his mouth or both. And I love every minute of it._

_When he's satisfied that he's gotten me adequately warmed up, he moves to remove his clothing. His naked body is beautiful in the warm glow of the fire and I reach for his hand to draw him back down to the floor with me. Despite his awkward movements, he's there relatively quickly._

_His body presses against mine, warm and masculine, as he kisses me. He draws one of my legs up around his hip as he pushes himself inside me, filling me completely. My eyes fall closed and I take a slow, deep breath. The smell of him - musky, masculine, heady - fills my nose, enhances the experience._

_He makes love to me so beautifully, so perfectly, I feel like I am floating on clouds. His movements are smooth and gentle and it takes nearly an hour for him to come close to orgasm, which is great for me, because it builds slowly, then suddenly explodes in a burst of gorgeous Technicolor._

_Even after that, he doesn't stop. We make love for hours, until we just can't go anymore and we fall asleep, curled together under the blankets in front of the fire._

_******_

_Oh. My. God. Did I really write that? Those fantasies? Was that really me? I can't believe I wrote those down. I must be crazy. I don't know that I want to know what House would think if he knew about them._

_Oh! I get to visit you for Christmas. Not on Christmas Day, but that weekend. I'll be there. I miss you._

_******_

_It also looks like House is going to make it through this challenge alive. Meaning I'll have to tell him something. Fortunately, I've come up with an idea that will satisfy his curiosity and hopefully get him to leave me alone for a while._

_******_

_Well, that idea just went out the window because he has **more** than gotten the information he wanted. Oh no, nothing about you. This was straight-up about me. Oh. My. God. You will never believe what I did._

_I can't even write about it. But, I will say - I really liked it._

 

* * *

**late-December 2007**   
_Merry Christmas. I brought you roses. I made you cookies, but House and Chase ate most of them. Sorry. Stopping them from devouring food is like trying to take on a charging elephant with a water pistol - stupid and pointless._

_Anyway, enough about them. How are you? I hope everything's good where you are. I hope it's warm and safe and bright and pretty and I hope you're not in pain._

_I talked to M&amp;D - who are on vacation, by the way - and they're angry that I wasn't interested in visiting them for New Year's. I could've just told them I couldn't get the time off, but I don't like lying. I don't like spending time with them at all anymore. They pretend you never existed and get angry if I mention your name._

******

_He's a dead man. Can you believe this? He's read it. Every word – barring these, of course, because he's not here and I'm just now writing them – he's read the whole thing, beginning to end. Day one through the fantasies. I should kill him for that. _

_What the hell was he thinking? I know what he was thinking – that he could get all this juicy information without having to work for it. _

_Betraying me – my trust, my feelings – just to get information that I would have freely given to him once Christmas was past. Sort of his Christmas present. I was going to tell him everything no matter what. I'm just not such a push-over that I was going to let him get it all for free. I'm so disappointed in him._

_******_

_Oh – now I'm even more angry than before (I should stop thinking about these things). He was here the other night with a casefile, only he wasn't actually interested in working on the case, he wanted to read my journal. Which he did – I assume that's what he was doing for those twenty minutes he needed in the bathroom, because when he came out of the bathroom is when he – um – grabbed my hair and bent me over his legs to spank me. He did **not** come up with that on his own – he pulled that straight out of my journal. (Though I'm not surprised that he picked that fantasy instead of the others.) Who the hell does he think he is? Forget the part about it being sexy as hell and a complete turn on – that's not the point. The point is, he took my secrets and used them against me. He didn't have to do that. The bastard._

******

_I'm going to hell for sure. Either because I'm enjoying the most agressive sex I've ever had or because I'm nailing my boss or because he's with someone else. Doesn't matter - I'm going to hell for it. I know I don't believe in God, but that doesn't mean I won't go to hell for what I've done._

_Though, right now, even after a hot shower to ease the aches and pains, I can still feel him, smell him (though that might be the shirt in the laundry hamper). I want him to come back._

_If he does, it'll be written about elsewhere._

_This is the last entry I'm writing in this journal. Fifteen years is a long time to keep this up and I think I've finally found someone I can talk about this with (even if he was an ass and read everything before I actually had the chance to tell him). I still miss you, I always will, but I need to deal with this differently now. Don't worry, I won't forget you - nor will I pretend you don't exist like M&amp;D do - I just need to focus my energies differently. This isn't productive. I love you. I miss you. I'll visit on your birthday._

_Good-bye, Sarah._


End file.
